Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. (Psalm 25:16-17, NIV).
From Spring 1999 to Spring 2003, I lived in Missouri's capital city. During that four-year timeframe I accomplished great things professionally, scholastically & community-wise. However, my personal life was terribly lonely and I felt miserable. My closest friends were miles away. I had to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest metropolis (and international airport). The social scene for a twenty-something single in Jefferson City was mundane. The dating pool was the size of a puddle. When it was feasible, I took advantage of every opportunity to escape small town USA.
By Spring 2003 I loathed living in Jefferson City, Missouri. I became so disgusted with my personal life that I spiraled into a deep depression. I hated going to work. I hated going to church. I hated going to sorority meetings. I hated doing community service. I hated talking on the phone. I hated life. I hated my existence. Life in Missouri was M-I-S-E-R-Y!
Loneliness wrecked my outlook so much that I desired to end my life. I no longer wanted to breathe. I'd look at paintings and wish I was an inanimate object whose sole purpose was to beautify an empty space on a wall. I preferred dying prematurely than having to live one more day in a godforsaken town with limited social outlets. I strongly believed that any progressive twenty-something single would:
- feel melancholy not being able to fellowship with close friends on a routine basis;
- be miserable shopping at a mall whose name was Mall; and
- feel dejected being able to count on 1 hand the number of singles available to date.
I knew moving to Jefferson City would be a lifestyle adjustment. But, I figured having familial roots there would help me acclimate. Having survived 4 years in Jefferson City didn't matter at my lowest point. I was prepared to die if the opportunity to permanently move away from a state of Missouri didn't reveal itself posthaste.
My life was challenging because loneliness triggered destructive thoughts of hopelessness. My heart was so troubled that I actually believed suicide was a sensible solution to my anguish.
Unbeknownst to me, life was good in the midst of my turmoil. When loneliness engulfed me, I read God's Promises For Your Every Need, and sought comfort in the scriptures focused on What To Do When You Feel Lonely and What To Do When You Feel Depressed:
- Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10, KJV).
- I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. (John 14:18, KJV).
- The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17, KJV).
While I was hell-bent on taking my life, God (through the Holy Word) was unrelenting about saving my life.
Life is abundant because I'm alive today to share my testimony. My first and only suicide attempt occurred on a Saturday afternoon. Sobbing intermittedly, I sat down on my staircase and proofread the letter to my family. Before I could figure out the method of my demise, my thoughts were befuddled.
Where should I...?
How should I...?
What will this do to my family?
Today, I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit intervened within a matter of seconds on that Saturday afternoon. Though my faith had diminished to the size of a mustard seed, God changed my thought pattern instantly. I couldn't proceed with the act of suicide because I loved myself too much and I didn't want my family to hurt. I was totally displeased with my personal life circumstances, but I discovered some semblance of (self) worth.
As much as I like to keep a record of my writing, I cannot share the exact words of my letter. I held on to it for several years, but I decided to shred it because keeping a tangible reminder of the Malkia of Spring 2003 was unhealthy and unnecessary. Memories of the time I spent living in Jefferson City, Missouri are desolate. Yet, I praise God because I actually have memories. I am A-L-I-V-E to admit that: Life is Challenging. Life is good. Life is abundant. I know God is ever-present from my hell to my win!
Dear
God:
I make
intercession for people struggling with suicidal thoughts. A variety of
issues--abuse, addiction, adversity, anger, anxiety, bitterness, bullying,
depression, discrimination, disease, financial burdens, guilt, heartache,
loneliness, racism, sexism, shame--give way to self-destructive thoughts.
Somebody has wrestled with suicidal thoughts for years, months, weeks, days.
For the person positioned in isolation, I pray against the mental strongholds
trying to overpower their knowledge of You and Jesus' sufficient grace. (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV; 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV). Send them a divine message via twitter, television/online
programming, telephone, song, letter, greeting card, facebook and/or e-mail.
For the person wearing the scars of attempts 1 through 5, I pray they seek
professional help and take advantage of preventative measures. Create a
supportive network comprised of compassionate, empathetic and prayerful people
to surround them as they take steps to heal. Convince them that self-inflicted
wounds are not a viable solution, and help them learn that they have already
been healed by Jesus' wounds. (1 Peter 2:24). I pray for people who have forgotten their value--move them
from a state of misery to a place of hope. I intercede for the person who has
no faith, bargaining for deliverance from their affliction--in the name of
Jesus, I pray for an instant intervention and I ask that You implant a
good seed of belief in their spirit.
O Lord,
for the survivors coping with the loss of a loved one, I ask that You massage
their hearts with comforting hands. Their grief is debilitating and they are
trying to comprehend the reasons for such a departure. Someone is wailing:
WHY?!
I could have prevented this from happening!
WHY?!
How come they didn't talk to me?
WHY?!
I could've fixed the problem!
WHY?!
Why did they abandon me?
WHY?!
Lord, as difficult as it's been to write this testimony, I pray that my
authentic and transparent expression of this particular trial gives hope to
someone in desperate need of a win. Let this message serve as a record
"for the generation yet unborn, that a people yet to be created shall
praise" You. For You look down from the height of Your sanctuary, from
heaven You behold the earth, and hear the sighing and groaning of people
in need of Your help. (Psalm 102:18-20, AMP).
In the
name of Jesus Christ...AMEN.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "LORD, save me!" (Psalm 116:3-4, NIV).
HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION & SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, www.afsp.org
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention
- Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com
